Hey Asshole, get your shit together!

Ever have a bad day and then someone goes and does something to make it all that much worse? Yeah, me too. So for once, I’m following the age old advice of “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Instead, I’d like these lovely little notepads from Knock Knock to speak for me.

Hint: click the image to see all the deets!

Swear Bear

This is totally the gift to get someone with a young child. Especially if that child’s name is Damien. Though he appears cute and cuddly with an enticing, “Hug Me,” embroidered on his fuzzy little chest, mark my words – this bear is not your friend! Give him a squeeze and he’ll show you his true colors. I’m guessing he’s either a sailor or a truck driver in disguise.

via Incredible Things

Historic pictograms

Creative station, H-57, embarked on a recent project creating historical figures out of pictograms. Amazing how they’ve managed to interject such wit into such minimalistic design. Michael Jackson is my favorite.

via Ignant

August 16 is a very important day!

Today is no joke, people! Three very important things are happening. Today is …

1. National Rum Day. Suh-WEET! Now I can blame my love of the drink on the nation. America made me do it!
2. National Bratwurst Day. Could there be a day more special than one devoted to a meat weiner? I mean, really.
3. National Tell a Joke Day. Good or bad, everyone has a favorite. What’s yours?

In honor of these fabulously made-up holidays, let’s celebrate! Here’s a little something in honor of each one.

National Rum Day

A recipe for a Strawberry Ginger Mojito from the over-the-top stylish gals at Fashionably Bombed, who were another highlight of my recent BlogHer ’11 experience. Check them out (later, obviously), they are AWE – SOME!

National Bratwurst Day

~1 lb of bratwurst
2 tbsp butter or olive oil, divided
I bag frozen tater tots or cubed potatoes
1/2 cup vegetable broth
1 yellow onion, sliced thin
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cheddar cheese, shredded

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cook bratwurst in a pan – either sliced or remove casing and cook just the meat. Remove from pan and set aside.
2. Using the bratwurst pan, cook onions in butter until translucent and tender. Deglaze with the veggie broth.
3. While onions are cooking, cook potatoes in olive oil in a separate pan until brown and tender.
4. Place cooked potatoes in a casserole dish.
5. When onions have finished cooking, mix them with the bratwurst meat and sour cream and layer on top of the potatoes.
6. Layer cheese on top and cook for 15 minutes or until hot and bubbly.

National Tell a Joke Day

• What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?  Helephino!
• What do you call an Ethiopian with a penny on its head? a Quater-Pounder!
• What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.

I cannot and will not be held responsible for the validity of these holidays or the quality of these jokes. So there.

True confessions

This is generally how I feel about myself. It’s only a matter of time before people catch on.

I am not afraid.

But perhaps I should be. This is an email I just sent … to my entire company. The subject was: Dishes do not do themselves.

While I wish the subject of this email were true, sadly, it’s not. We have a communal kitchen space here at the office and more often than not, I find it stacked with dirty dishes. Please, oh please, won’t you help out in keeping our kitchen space clean and our dishes placed where they belong so they are available and accessible to everyone?

The dishwasher typically gets run once a day. If you come into the kitchen and…

• the dishwasher is full and dirty, run it.
• the dishwasher is full and clean, empty it.
• the dishwasher is running, hand wash your dishes and put them away.
• you meet with clients and they put their dishes in the sink, come back after the meeting and place your client’s dishes in the dishwasher.  
• you see someone else emptying the dishwasher, assist them.
  

Whatever you do, please avoid stacking dirty dishes in the sink. Inevitably it befalls one person to enter the kitchen at the wrong time and have to empty the dishwasher and then dispose of everyone else’s dirty dishes. So won’t you please help out and be a dishwasher too? When we all work together it makes the kitchen, the office and life in general, a cleaner and happier place.

Thanks! 

Suppose I should be expecting a pink slip to show up in my mailbox on Monday?

pppeeves

Pet peeves anyone? We all have them. Don’t try to deny it. Instead, rate it and see how your annoyance level stack up against others. My number one all time pet peeve is people who are late. I am always on time. ALWAYS. I have no tolerance or sympathy for people who aren’t. Trust me, you DON’T want to get me started on tardiness.

Children in general also peeve me. Nothing about them in particular, just their whole being. I also don’t like watching people eat. Old people, children and Asians, ewwwwwww. Disgusting table manners. And for the record, that’s not hate right there. I have many Asian friends, and I love every one of them. But seriously, your people are gross eaters. Admit it. Geez, pipe down. It’s not like I called them Oriental.

Here are a few others in case that’s not enough.

• People who always try to “one up”  you when you’re telling a story. Very douchey.
• People who drive with dogs in their lap and the window down. But really the window is insignificant. This is dangerous people. Your dog will soon need a name change to Dumbo ‘cuz that fucker is going to go flying!
• When I straighten my hair and then it rains.
• Boys in skinny jeans. Those are girls jeans. Take them off.
• People who work in a communal office and stack their dishes in the sink rather than emptying the dishwasher. This is NOT your home, people. Have some common courtesy.
• Taking the city bus. I was forced to do it as a child and currently suffer a phobia of public transportation as a whole because of it. Yuck.
• People who are late. Oops. My bad. Did I already say that one? Figure it out people, it’s really not that hard.

I hate you … the email reasons.

Email seems to be the most prominent form of communication these days. And while I admit, it’s the quickest and usually most convenient in the era of smart phones, it’s not always the most effective. Case in point, these examples from the Oatmeal. I’ve experienced all of them. The second one I get almost EVERY. DAY. and the last one comes from my dad, at least weekly.

Really, people? Get with the program.

That blows!

Quite literally, in fact, and in more ways than one! Now when you blow your nose, blow it on something that really blows, like a bad report card, a pink slip, an insufficient funds statement, a Dear John letter, or a parking citation! The That Blows Hanky set features all 5 of these so take your pick!

via BLBD

Don’t shoot the messenger!

Maybe just the dog…

Which is kinda how I feel sometimes when my monster is quite literally dragging me down the sidewalk. Maybe I could at least have a sense of humor about it if I had this leash.

What? It’s funny!

via Incredible Things