Babies in waiting. Or, in layman’s terms – gifts for preggo people.

Good Luck with That Card from Creativity

Check me out people – I’m gettin’ around these days! NO, not like that you silly. I’m over on the Wantist blog today with a hilarious gift collection for expecting parents. Know someone who’s preggo? You DON’T want to miss these gifts!

And side note – if you’ve never heard of or visited Wantist, get ready to bookmark it. It’s FAB!

I’m a grown up.

I’m not a baby person (they smell funny, leak and are sweaty) but if I were and I had them, they’d definitely be wearing these I’m a Grown Up Bibs! Aw, hell, who am I kidding – I should be wearing them now. Everything I eat looks good on me!

If you happen to be of the baby-liking-type, the 2-bib set is on sale for half off right now – only $12!

You have a friend in meat

Like shoes, I’m of the mindset that you can never have enough bacon. And there certainly isn’t a shortage of it around here cuz it’s all about bacon on this here blog!

So for those of you who love bacon like I do and are breeders (like I’m not), start your young ones early with My First Bacon – a bacon plush toy that is 100% huggable and squeals “I’m Bacon!” when squeezed. Seriously – does it get any cuter than this? It even has a mechanically animated mouth!

via Incredible Things

Baby moustache

As in baby moustache mobile… and utter proof that people of all ages are in on the moustache trend! I kind of wish I knew someone with a baby so I could buy this. Or just draw a moustache on the baby, that might be more fun!

via jaellundtofta’s Etsy shop

Nellie the Elephant

This gorgeous Nelly poster was inspired by the designer’s three year old son who fell in love with the story of Dumbo and then circus elephants in general which led to the very famous song “Nellie the Elephant” and ultimately the question  “but where could you buy candyfloss in the jungle?”

I am ridiculously smitten with this poster. It is modern with a strange vintage flair to it. And the simple black & white color scheme – to die for. A friend of mine is having a baby soon and I think this would make the absolute perfect gift!

via minor details

Spread Heads

In the spirit of me being 5 on the inside, lets have some fun with food! Spread Heads are universal bottle toppers that turn any ordinary old bottle into an instant toy.  The Spreads gang – Mustard Marvin, Ketchup Charlie and Count Ketchup, are sure to liven up any party and will most certainly make kids go wild! And since I’m clearly a child, I simply must have one.

My new book.

Yes folks, this is next up on my reading list. I’m me. This is who I am. Can’t deny it. And while I know this post (and this book) will most assuredly piss a lot of people off, this is kinda how I feel. Again, this is me. Take it or leave it. Or just leave…

I gotta admit though, my distaste for children is not reserved just for your kids. My own (by marriage, not birth) sometimes falls into this category too. I don’t want kids of my own and feel like I never have – though I don’t remember being so vocal about it when I was younger. I don’t like babies, don’t find them cute or cuddly – at all. Really I find them to be hot, wet, leaky and often times – smelly. I saw a baby last weekend at the beach and it had dried something (most likely snot) all over it’s face and it kept staring at me. First of all, staring is rude. Secondly – WIPE YOUR KID’S FACE.

I don’t think I have a single friend who feels the same as I do in terms of not wanting children and finding babies vile. Most of my friends either already have kids or plan to in the near future (we’re at that age). In fact, I have 3 friends right now who are pregnant. Two with their second child. And don’t get me wrong – I am totally happy for them if it makes them happy and that’s what they want to do. What I’m not keen on is no one, and I mean NO ONE, understanding how I could possibly not want kids. The question I get most frequently is, “Do you want to be alone when you get older?”

Um, huh? That’s like asking someone if they want to get Alzheimer’s or cancer or die a horribly painful death.

Of course I don’t want to be alone when I get older, but should that be the sole reason I choose to bring a child into the world? Which brings me to my next rant – that most people have no idea what it takes to be a parent or the sacrifice you make when having children. Unless you’re married to Daddy Warbucks (which I am clearly not…no offense husband), you can say bye-bye to your adult life as you know it as well as most of your hard-earned money. Kids are fucking expensive!

I digress; this is quickly taking a turn in the sourpuss direction, so I apologize for that. And to my friends with kids: don’t hate me. You should already know how I feel about children so this should come as no suprise.

Is there anyone else out there who doesn’t want kids or should I exile myself and move to another planet where children haven’t been invented yet? What’s your take on this whole thing? Are all children good or just yours – do other’s kids piss you off? Let’s discuss.

Get in my belly.

Do you think I’m too old to carry a this lunch box? Because it’s quite possibly the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen. And the picture is kinda how I eat my lunch so I think it’s quite fitting.

My kind of baby book.

In case I accidentally happen to get pregnant (like when pigs fly out of my butt), or any of my friends (you know who you are) up and get prego – expet this book to come in the mail. The Newly Non-Drinking Girl’s Guide to Pregnancy – Surviving 40 Weeks without a Cosmopolitan is seriously my kinda baby book. We’ve clearly established here at Internet Therapy that there are two things I feel quite strongly about. 1) I like to drink. And so what. Don’t judge me. Remember, simple pleasured. and 2) I don’t particularly care for children. And that’s a nice way of putting it. So to think of going that long for #2 without the relief that #1 brings, I would definitely need this book. And ladies – you’ll need it to, you just might not know it yet!

Chart your growth!

I love the whimsical nature of this screen-printed growth chart from boldandnoble on Etsy. Think I’m too old to use it for myself? Maybe I could monitor how much I’m shrinking as I get old…